Hell Bent

every time i turn around i make the same mistake
because i'm hell bent on a heartache

loves a gamble
loves a curse
loves a bitch but it could be worse


Every day that I open myself up to others i am rewarded in learning their experiences.
There is an article going around about the benefits of being an extrovert. I believe this. That being closed off to human interaction and silence was not the way to experience hope and change.

"In the middle of my little mess i forget how big i am blessed"

Starve Fear

This really resonated with me. I have fear of not being a good person. Not being a good mother or wife. I think this fear consumes my thoughts and reactions. I quell my feelings, responses because I want to meet those molds. Society tells us we can have it all. We can be mothers, full time workers, go to school, do crafts, bake, cook, have a rocking body, take care of our families. We can be everything. in that process of having it all I think we can lose ourselves. To strip ourselves of these labels, that pre mommy, pre marriage made us. I worked so hard to find myself and I'm becoming someone else all over again. None of this is a bad thing. Life is about change and learning but I want to live without fear. I want to revel in all the pieces of myself and not be ashamed of myself. I am loud. I can be mean. i never forget. i hold grudges. I can cry at the drop of a hat. But I am good and need to remember that I am worthy. I need to not fear my true self. Because I am who I am and am forever growing. When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you're living a less performed life.

It Goes Like This

I can not get enough of him. He makes me want to stay home and cuddle. I try to put it into words and I never get it just right. I think everyone should be able to experience this. 

I have been pretty absent from blogging lately. A girlfriend of mine posted a blog that was so moving. so inspirational I couldn't get over it. I couldn't move past the fact that she had such direction and purpose. I don't feel that and keep looking for it. In the meantime I will enjoy the search. 

Once Upon Another Time

Beautiful