little heartbreaks

I don't think you can really feel your heart break until you feel it break for your child. I had no idea the fear that came with having a child. The upheaval of your soul. It sounds melodramatic but its accurate. My heart aches for all the things that I want for our children. The goodness that I want them to encounter. The genuine souls that I want them to have to hold their hands throughout life. I do not want them to come across anything that could mar their idealistic outlook. I want them to have it all. Everything they could dream. Bigger than I can dream. The fear for your children comes in different levels. Starting with pregnancy. I set goals to get through trimesters of the pregnancy. Fear that the little soul growing inside of me would come too soon or would not be healthy. Being a nurse really riddles your perception of pregnancy. I wished at that time that I could live in an ignorant bliss. Then the day comes and you feel a panic reach your heart like it hasn't felt before. Then they give you this person to go home with and all you can do is pray that you don't screw it up. You realize when you get home that the birth-The fear and panic surrounding it-is only the tip of the iceberg. As I sat at the side of my bed in a postpartum haze praying this colicky stranger to sleep, I feared the worst. That god made a mistake and I'm not good enough or deserving enough. The anxiety that comes from parenting is gripping. I found myself wondering in those early months how parents walk around with all this weight. Yet here I am feeling my heart break. Because all I can think is I have let his little heart down, that mommy should have done better. Mothering is more than I could ask for but I am consistently fearful of failing their hearts. So here I sit praying for the best possible outcome for their big beautiful beating hearts.

walks

I turned around and the water was closing all around- like a glove- like the love that finally finally found me.







I'm in love with my people. Rick, Foster, and Reece. I keep thinking back to living before. Before my family. I think it was empty. Now, as tired as I am, my heart is overflowing. I may not be good at many aspects of my life but I am good at this. I am good at loving them.

How Could I Want More

Let's face it. No picture you paint in your head is the reality.

Sometimes it's better.

Sometimes it just plain sucks.

No one can tell you the vividly shocking reality of a toddler in a tantrum.

You can look around and wonder "Who is this child?"

Or the exhaustion that is felt with a screaming toddler and a newborn.

It's worrying that your toddler may actually poke your newborns eye out in an aggressive show of affection. It's guilt that you're split in two.



I painted a picture of what having two babies under two would be like… well... its not like the painting.

When someone tells you they're pregnant with their first and you smile and say congratulations because you realize they have no fucking clue. You smile- and say welcome to parenthood- your whole world is about to change. Good luck. You smile at the perfect picture painted on social media and you smile because you have lived it- its hard- its real- and anything but perfect.



It's late nights, early mornings, midnight, 3am feedings. Its being puked on- pooped on. Realizing you cuss like a sailor. Hoping for a bath- being unconcerned you haven't washed your hair in four days. Praying your spouse will be home soon so you can get a break.

It's consuming an inordinate amount of coffee. It's a nightly glass of wine just to decompress.

It's hoping you get to go to the grocery store by yourself today or maybe just the bathroom. It's hoping nap time and bedtime get here soon. It's scheduling sex, because lets face it, if you don't it won't happen. It's being too exhausted to even think about it. It's looking at your husband and all you can do is smile because you got in this together.  It's screaming and worrying hoping you've done at least one thing right today.



Then for every hard day- theres a great day. The day your speech delayed baby says "moo" after the hundredth time you showed him the cow and mooed for him. The day your whole world stops when he gives you a kiss. A perfect kiss. There is sharing each minuscule milestone with your spouse because they're the only ones who get as excited as you about pooping or a new tooth. The daily hugs and gleeful smiles. It's oh so very hard. It's oh wondrous at the same time. It changes a marriage- because you have seen your spouse as a father- as a mother. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's out there. He knows every aspect of my heart and he's still in love- thank god.



So- yes- I painted a picture. An idealistic utopian  unrealistic picture. It was beautiful. It wasn't true and it wasn't real. I'm glad I didn't get the picture because without every hard day- I wouldn't appreciate the good ones. I wouldn't know how lucky and blessed we are on the good ones. So we're chugging along through this stage- knowing everyday that "it won't be like this for long".

Reece

Reece- I don't know if you know this but I miscarried a little baby between you and Foster. That leaves various degrees of heartbroken and insecurities. I was so anxious during your pregnancy. Praying for you to be healthy. Praying for your little heart to get stronger every day. I was anxious for August 4, your due date, to get here. I wanted to meet you. To see if you had daddy's smile or my hair? Then accompanied by pregnancy is the labor. I do well with the pregnancy- it's uncomfortable but cake. It's the labor that seems to be traumatic for us. Fosters was the most frightening experience I've ever been through. i wrote his labor story and suspect you would like to hear yours. Foster is 19 months at the time of your birth. He is all energy. Bouncing off the walls and exhausting me. I went into labor on Friday, August 1st. The contractions had been going on and off all day while I was at work. We put Foster to bed and the contractions continued. If you've never felt contractions its unbelievable. It feels like a vice on your back the radiates pain around to your front and into your pelvis. Daddy decided it was time to go because I was attempting to labor as long as possible at home. We had an hour drive and he didn't want to deliver you on the way to Kettering hospital. I was 5cm dilated when we arrived, contracting every 2-3 minutes. Daddy was right with me the whole time. He calms my heart just by being there. I was so sick with this labor. I couldn't stop dry heaving and vomiting. We were so anxious to see you safe. I got an epidural when I got to 7cm. The epidural is a mix of fentanyl and it dropped my pressures. We continued laboring until early saturday morning. You wanted to make your arrival. Yet again- around 930am- your heart rate decided to drop and multiple people came into our room. Including our doctor. Next thing I knew they were telling me to push. A non rebreather on my face. We needed you out quickly… apparently your cord was wrapped around your neck. Daddy says you were blue but the doctor slipped the cord off your neck and you quickly pinked up. You were crying. My heart lifted and soared knowing you were here. That I now have a daughter. I find this overwhelming. I look at your face and want to tell you we'll keep you safe. give you the world. I can not thank god enough for giving me your daddy, foster, and now beautiful you.

all around

Reece- that is the name that we have decided to bestow upon your beautiful heart. It means outgoing or fiery one. I think this seems apt as how active you have been in the womb.

I am now 34 weeks pregnant with you. We were so shocked to find we would be having a little girl! A girl- daddy is unsure and your brother Foster doesn't understand yet. I'm anxious about the transition for Foster because he's a mommy's boy. I know you'll be taking up my lap soon and I worry how he'll react. He's so loving so I think he'll fall in love with you quickly. Being pregnant with you has not been comfortable- but I don't assume that being pregnant should be. I'm anxious to meet you and hoping that we don't have to wait until 42 weeks to do so.



I am so grateful because they tell me you're healthy, with big lips, and lots of hair. I'm dreaming of another baby that looks like Foster. He is such a mix of daddy and I.



I want you, Reece, to know how much you are wanted. That daddy and I both dreamed of a family and you're completing that circle. So get here soon and get here safely. We can't wait to watch you grow and cherish you.

Peace

Life is juggling. Each role requires of us. Always wondering if we're getting it right?





"Every day I try to do better. See better. say better. talk better. be better. i do my best. and i blow it 10 times out of 12. I ask for forgiveness of anyone whose feelings I may have hurt. I ask forgiveness of God. I forgive myself. And then I start again." -Maya Angelou



I find forgiving myself the hardest of all. I keep trying.

Peace

Life is juggling. Each role requires of us. Always wondering if we're getting it right?





"Every day I try to do better. See better. say better. talk better. be better. i do my best. and i blow it 10 times out of 12. I ask for forgiveness of anyone whose feelings I may have hurt. I ask forgiveness of God. I forgive myself. And then I start again." -Maya Angelou



I find forgiving myself the hardest of all. I keep trying.

Hozier - To Be Alone (live in Kilkenny)

dig it.

Kings of Leon - Wait for me (Lyrics)

It's agonizingly difficult to know if I'm getting things right.

I feel like I'm playing at life and getting up and playing my cards again.

Just waiting for me to get it right tomorrow.

wish upon a star

marriage- you must marry someone you want to sit next to for the rest of your life 2 years If I could go back I would never change getting married. I love being married to my husband. His hand in mind. Being blinded by his smile. being taken care of. taking care of him. growing as a family. I like marriage. I adore my husband but I would go back and give myself and my husband some tips. never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter - this is so important. it is so difficult to take something back once it is said and it can be haunting to your other half… and bite you in the ass. Marriage is a constant state of giving a little or giving a lot. of meeting in the middle. give 100% every time = marriage isn't easy and if you're only half in and your partner is all in they'll feel that and respond in kind, even fairy tales require work. don't forget that the way you feel loved may not be the way your spouse gives love -I have really struggled with this concept and have to remind myself of this consistently. Your partners love language may be completely different than your own. Identify your spouses language or your marriage will flounder. Plus if you're both trying it means you'll meet somewhere in the middle. Remember the power of flirting or complimenting your spouses strong points, what makes them attractive. Never forget to enjoy the company you find in each other. Growing together can be difficult but putting in effort to have common ground is not. hold your spouse, look for the good, and always put your heart in their hands. you have to trust them with it or you have nothing.

London Grammar - Strong (Official Video)

Foster you are 14 months! Where has the time gone? Every day you learn something new and you are a climber! Daddy and I can't get enough of your laugh. You run everywhere but are not very good about keeping anything on your feet. The only food we found you do not care for are blackberries. Every other food you have devoured. you do this ridiculous thing where you pout when its "all gone", You don't have any words yet but you always get your point across. always. We could not be prouder- your daddy and I- of you little man. You overwhelm us with awe and joy. I want to take the world and make it safe for you. To make each step you take a little easier. Your heart being happy makes ours happy. Happy days little one. Mommy and Daddy will always be here in your corner rooting you on. 

nostalgia

sitting in bed thinking about the present. the things and people i'm thankful for. some days you need to take count. for the winter blues can take over your heart. overwhelmingly thankful for my family. my husband who is cantankerous and amazing- who doesn't let you see how big his heart is- but then you look. really look and it's overwhelming. our son. he has filled our life up in ways i didn't know existed. he humbles me, baffles me. I have found that you can give no advice to others because really we're all different and so uniquely our own. HEALTH- being in healthcare I constantly look around and praise god that we're healthy. These past six months taught me you don't always know who people are and you can hope people are good. That I really do believe in prayer. That no matter how much I fight my brain on this one there has to be a God. How else would Foster be with us? Or I have found a man like Rick? God is there- and things aren't always easy. Faith is not always easy,marriage is not always easy, but I do believe that he- god- has blessed my life. That things that tore my heart in two in my past have led me to this place and it is where I am meant to be. In my bed. Wishing my husband were home. After getting off the phone with my parents. After putting my little man- who is my heart- in his crib and watching him sleep. I am where I should be.