Moments.

Saturday. One of those moments where your stomach gets queasy and your heart drops to the floor. You reach for the wall to hold you up. I know that in so many ways we should be accustomed to dying but death never comes easy. In an instant someone you know becomes someone you knew. 

Death this time hit close to home and it's not easy. A man who should be there to walk his daughters down the aisle is going to watch from heaven. I should be seeing him today with his easy smile and wishing him a merry Christmas. 

So today I hold my babies a little tighter and hold my husband as we fall asleep. I don't want to take this life for granted. 

Today I remember a man and a life well lived with grace, goodness, and a smile. 

Mealtime

Cinnamon for days 

I frequently wonder if I am the only mother who feels this way. Consumed with guilt for wanting to have a day to myself each week, then upon taking the day I can't help but wonder on the status of my Terrors. "Are they missing me? They need me- I'm sure. I better get home as quickly as possible!" 

Then being home every waking moment- building so many castles- saying no too many times to count- being too harsh- coloring and singing childrens songs- I am clawing to get out the door. 

My husband said it best. It is much easier to be an evenings and weekend parent than the 24/7 parent. How true he is.

Sitting at iHop I wonder when we will be able to enjoy a meal out again... Foster has his hands all over the syrup and is attempting to dump the salt pepper shakers all over the table. His sticky hands are covered with salt which he is now licking. Reece is standing in her high chair reaching for me with tears pouring down her face. We are late on nap time. I am stuffing my face as quickly as humanly possible to be able eat. Ricks asking for the bill. Looking over at foster dumping the apple juice. I realize we have lost Reeces shoe amoungst the chaos. 

Toddlerhood is HARD. Parenting is harder. 

Rick carries Reece to the car. Foster has boogers running across his cheek. I sop up the apple juice. Grab my snot infested child who is kicking upon my hip to the car. Wrangle him into the car seat wiping his boogies all down my sleeve. He apologizes- screaming "sorry mommy". I smile at my baby because he is just that-a baby. I take a deep breath of air -of patience. Praying we will make it threw these years. For every rough patch there is a good patch. This is the bullshit i tell myself daily. 

So mommas and parents out there- God bless you- because it is so hard.