How Could I Want More

Let's face it. No picture you paint in your head is the reality.

Sometimes it's better.

Sometimes it just plain sucks.

No one can tell you the vividly shocking reality of a toddler in a tantrum.

You can look around and wonder "Who is this child?"

Or the exhaustion that is felt with a screaming toddler and a newborn.

It's worrying that your toddler may actually poke your newborns eye out in an aggressive show of affection. It's guilt that you're split in two.



I painted a picture of what having two babies under two would be like… well... its not like the painting.

When someone tells you they're pregnant with their first and you smile and say congratulations because you realize they have no fucking clue. You smile- and say welcome to parenthood- your whole world is about to change. Good luck. You smile at the perfect picture painted on social media and you smile because you have lived it- its hard- its real- and anything but perfect.



It's late nights, early mornings, midnight, 3am feedings. Its being puked on- pooped on. Realizing you cuss like a sailor. Hoping for a bath- being unconcerned you haven't washed your hair in four days. Praying your spouse will be home soon so you can get a break.

It's consuming an inordinate amount of coffee. It's a nightly glass of wine just to decompress.

It's hoping you get to go to the grocery store by yourself today or maybe just the bathroom. It's hoping nap time and bedtime get here soon. It's scheduling sex, because lets face it, if you don't it won't happen. It's being too exhausted to even think about it. It's looking at your husband and all you can do is smile because you got in this together.  It's screaming and worrying hoping you've done at least one thing right today.



Then for every hard day- theres a great day. The day your speech delayed baby says "moo" after the hundredth time you showed him the cow and mooed for him. The day your whole world stops when he gives you a kiss. A perfect kiss. There is sharing each minuscule milestone with your spouse because they're the only ones who get as excited as you about pooping or a new tooth. The daily hugs and gleeful smiles. It's oh so very hard. It's oh wondrous at the same time. It changes a marriage- because you have seen your spouse as a father- as a mother. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's out there. He knows every aspect of my heart and he's still in love- thank god.



So- yes- I painted a picture. An idealistic utopian  unrealistic picture. It was beautiful. It wasn't true and it wasn't real. I'm glad I didn't get the picture because without every hard day- I wouldn't appreciate the good ones. I wouldn't know how lucky and blessed we are on the good ones. So we're chugging along through this stage- knowing everyday that "it won't be like this for long".