little heartbreaks

I don't think you can really feel your heart break until you feel it break for your child. I had no idea the fear that came with having a child. The upheaval of your soul. It sounds melodramatic but its accurate. My heart aches for all the things that I want for our children. The goodness that I want them to encounter. The genuine souls that I want them to have to hold their hands throughout life. I do not want them to come across anything that could mar their idealistic outlook. I want them to have it all. Everything they could dream. Bigger than I can dream. The fear for your children comes in different levels. Starting with pregnancy. I set goals to get through trimesters of the pregnancy. Fear that the little soul growing inside of me would come too soon or would not be healthy. Being a nurse really riddles your perception of pregnancy. I wished at that time that I could live in an ignorant bliss. Then the day comes and you feel a panic reach your heart like it hasn't felt before. Then they give you this person to go home with and all you can do is pray that you don't screw it up. You realize when you get home that the birth-The fear and panic surrounding it-is only the tip of the iceberg. As I sat at the side of my bed in a postpartum haze praying this colicky stranger to sleep, I feared the worst. That god made a mistake and I'm not good enough or deserving enough. The anxiety that comes from parenting is gripping. I found myself wondering in those early months how parents walk around with all this weight. Yet here I am feeling my heart break. Because all I can think is I have let his little heart down, that mommy should have done better. Mothering is more than I could ask for but I am consistently fearful of failing their hearts. So here I sit praying for the best possible outcome for their big beautiful beating hearts.

walks

I turned around and the water was closing all around- like a glove- like the love that finally finally found me.







I'm in love with my people. Rick, Foster, and Reece. I keep thinking back to living before. Before my family. I think it was empty. Now, as tired as I am, my heart is overflowing. I may not be good at many aspects of my life but I am good at this. I am good at loving them.