11 months of gratitude

Foster tomorrow you will be eleven months. It's amazing to me how fast this year has gone. Those first few months that were so difficult for all three of us. Growing out of an unsteadiness. Getting to know your big beating heart. Your smile unwinds us. You scoot yourself back into my lap. Looking up at me with a grin. Leaning back into me with no fear in the world. That I will catch you. We will always catch you Foster. As you take your first steps we hold your hand and cheer you on. Each time you smile I am grateful. Astounded that you are ours. You have made me look at the world a little differently. At your daddy and at God a lot differently. I think a part of myself believed I was broken in a way and with you in my life I think I am whole. You are the best piece of our puzzle.

relating

don't stress the could haves. if it should have it would have.

Let it go

http://www.youtube.com/v/vDeY2sA6Ic4?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=l1wzWQH1uKdmgwhcq4Qg2w


After talks with a good friend I was able to think through so many things. The conversation was about her goals and what she wants from her life. I found it exciting and daunting the decisions she's making. I tried to point out the things she would gain and the things she would give up. That is why this song is so appropriate. It is difficult to know what you have until it's gone. We are so good at taking the things in our life for granted and not having a true appreciation for those around us until it's too late. The conversation put into the glaring forefront my own decisions. Hindsight is always 20/20. It shines out the true answers and our mistakes. Living and growing from those mistakes gives us empathy, humility.

This past year has shown me that my heart will never beat with the growth in my professional life but the growth of my family. I have been more fulfilled over the past year than I have ever been doing anything in my life. The growth and changes I see in Foster give me a sense of meaning that nothing else ever has. I feel immensely responsible and hope I can continue to cherish his changes. I continue to pray and hope that yes I am ENOUGH. Each of us struggles with continued feelings of inadequacy. Our lives are made up of striving to squash these feelings. But you know what I am enough. A wife, a mother, a nurse= all heart. An element striving to find grace.

marry me

so lucky to have someone that takes care of me. would marry him over and over again.
best choice. i love him

http://www.youtube.com/v/zRCsZ5a3aCM?list=TLK9lPwX46pJKeInsQCbBuYI0uvBbs-Jlf&version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=WfLfVQ1sPlqOkWJUTerMLA&showinfo=1&feature=share

Go Through It

I am still counting off how many weeks this baby would be in my head. I am thinking of what it's little face would have looked like. It's the dream of a smile that I'm mourning. I understand. It was early. "It was meant to be". But to me all those are bullshit and don't need to be said. Please just say you're angry with me. That you're angry too. That life is fleeting and sometimes snatched away before it can even be. I love Foster, I loved this one, and I'll love the next. I just hope to be able to breathe through the next pregnancy. I think maybe that this experience gave me a whole new perspective and an ability of empathy that I didn't have before. That sometimes even though I don't understand things right now- I will later.

Right now i'm holding on to this beautiful face. a love of my life. he fills my life to the brim. holding my husbands hand watching him grow. dreaming of our babies to come

Sandi Thom - I wish I was a punk rocker (Official music video + Lyrics)

9 months

Foster i almost missed your 9 months. Your personality is coming out more and more every day. You are demanding. Loving. Happy 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time we will cease to describe your level of unhappiness. You make us laugh out loud Foster. Taking your hands and throwing them out in utter frustration. Then there are the smiles and the hugs. its amazing the way you melt our hearts. Sometimes daddy and I put you between us in bed. Savoring you. smiling into your- only small once- face. You glow back at us. Reaching for daddy with your hand and letting mommy brush your hair back from your face. Walking along furniture. Getting brave and attacking Susan the dog. We have been practicing sounds but I don't know how much you are getting. Curious george is still your favorite. You are our joy. Pure and simple.

Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me / Nick of Time

Didn't know I was lost

wiser and i'm older
i hold your words next to my heart
they never leave me

needed

god- happiness happy today is waking up to my baby laughing in his crib. squealing in delight when I pick his little bouncing body out of the crib. I smile into his neck hugging him. This moment every morning I look forward to. I've missed him while i've slept. His cries of delight. the way he scrunches up his nose. my heart is overflowing. glowing. my husband holds me that much closer because we were given him. happy is watching his daddy in the baby monitor shush and pat him to sleep. rubbing his back when hes fussy. aching. i'm holding these precious moments close because it won't be long before they're gone and he won't smile with delight when I enter the room. The moment when I have to let him fly will come all too soon.

we will be there

i want to raise a boy that is actually a man

who can work on a car and fix the bathroom sink

i want to let him be someone he can love

to like who he sees in the mirror.

to smile in the worst of times.

to hold the door open.

to hold her hand.

to love with all he has

a boy that knows how to cook and do laundry

that appreciates women

a man with respect and pride

that knows the value of hard work

that is a cuddler

a man who can laugh at himself

that knows the power of truth

who appreciates music

that giggles like his daddy on christmas and can still be a child

who stands up for others and has empathy

who is curious enough to explore his own beliefs

that will listen first

that will do good and be good

most of all i want him to be happy.

I hope we are up to the task and that he knows we will be there

everyday

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give to another person, he believed in me. -jim valvano

8 months= golden

At 8 months you are our everything. You have 2 teeth and are cutting a third. You pull yourself up and are so nosy. Curious George is your favorite. You like being held until you fall asleep. Stranger is not a concept you understand and I don't know what I think about that. You fight nap time but wake up with a smile. Your whole extended family is in LOVE with you. So many grandma and grandpas and all they can talk about it you. You have no fear. You love water. You don't love sleep. Your smile is infectious. I love your rolls and your giggles. Your daddy and I would do anything in the world for you monster. Nicknames include... rusty monster terrorist monty boogy Favorite food- squash, yogurt, banana strawberry mix and drinking from mommy's drinks. What can I say? I'm in love with you.

acceptance

Or maybe it really is — that the moment you accept love, you have to accept yourself, and there’s something in that that seems unacceptable. Strange, how there’s no love without humility – no one can accept anything except on their knees. (Everything else is stealing.) -Ann Voskamp

Raindance

Beautiful

love language

talking to my cousin, who was recently married, made me examine my own thoughts on love and understanding. marriage changes things, we all know that. Especially for those who have not lived together. The first few months Rick and I lived together were such a learning experience. I was (and am) so in love with my husband that I think we both were "tender" in how we addressed issues. Rick and I had lived our own separate adult lives. Living alone allows you to become solitary and selfish- rightfully so. Allowing someone else in is difficult and is a constant state of giving a little- compromise. This leads me (and to our conversation) to love language -love language- 1. Words of affirmation 2. Acts of Service 3. Receiving Gifts 4. Quality time 5. Physical Touch I am definitely 1+5... So our conversation was how do different love languages who love each other cope? Do you strive to understand the others? Do they compromise? Do they change in response?

heart

days like these lead to nights like this

Hell Bent

every time i turn around i make the same mistake
because i'm hell bent on a heartache

loves a gamble
loves a curse
loves a bitch but it could be worse


Every day that I open myself up to others i am rewarded in learning their experiences.
There is an article going around about the benefits of being an extrovert. I believe this. That being closed off to human interaction and silence was not the way to experience hope and change.

"In the middle of my little mess i forget how big i am blessed"

Starve Fear

This really resonated with me. I have fear of not being a good person. Not being a good mother or wife. I think this fear consumes my thoughts and reactions. I quell my feelings, responses because I want to meet those molds. Society tells us we can have it all. We can be mothers, full time workers, go to school, do crafts, bake, cook, have a rocking body, take care of our families. We can be everything. in that process of having it all I think we can lose ourselves. To strip ourselves of these labels, that pre mommy, pre marriage made us. I worked so hard to find myself and I'm becoming someone else all over again. None of this is a bad thing. Life is about change and learning but I want to live without fear. I want to revel in all the pieces of myself and not be ashamed of myself. I am loud. I can be mean. i never forget. i hold grudges. I can cry at the drop of a hat. But I am good and need to remember that I am worthy. I need to not fear my true self. Because I am who I am and am forever growing. When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you're living a less performed life.

It Goes Like This

I can not get enough of him. He makes me want to stay home and cuddle. I try to put it into words and I never get it just right. I think everyone should be able to experience this. 

I have been pretty absent from blogging lately. A girlfriend of mine posted a blog that was so moving. so inspirational I couldn't get over it. I couldn't move past the fact that she had such direction and purpose. I don't feel that and keep looking for it. In the meantime I will enjoy the search. 

Once Upon Another Time

Beautiful

changing

Where Rick Proposed. one of the best days of my life. I am struggling with acceptance of what I can not change in others. I accept that I have many faults but I try to be better. I consistently hope for the same of others...

proverbs 4:23

It's so funny how the perspective you view your life from changes. The priorities and the beliefs change with each and every experience. My dad says that one of the biggest lessons in life is to keep your mouth shut. This is something my siblings and I have difficulty with. I think that in so many things we only look at things from one perspective. OUR OWN. I think that we frequently forget to stop and listen. We rarely know the whole story. I frequently read the teachings of the secret which basically are beliefs focused on what you put out is what you receive . I could not agree more. I'm working on putting out good and focusing on things of importance. I also believe that Proverbs 4:23 says it right. Be careful about what you think. Your thoughts run your life. Hope and belief in goodness is what I'm focusing on. Sending everyone hope.

discovery

Sometimes in the middle of a very ordinary day I remember that everything is a miracle. That my son and each new discovery is a miracle. That remembering to pay attention is half the battle. Foster glistens at me every morning. Feeling the sun on my face and letting myself glow. Joy- pure and simple makes me feel so alive. Letting go and accepting today and people for who they are. Not living with an anxiety to make things change. I found some acceptance and happiness in this day. All i feel is thankful. love love love can YOU see it?

5 months

I constantly think what did I used to do before Foster? The answer that comes to mind is SLEEP. But for every freedom I had before Foster he has given me so many gifts. Waking up to his face makes me hunger for another day. Makes me HOPE. I cherish watching him sleep. It won't be like this for long. I now realize why mothers go through childbirth more than once. These tiny humans become so precious and dear. I like changing his diaper as he giggles. I have so much to share with this little man and can't wait for the future. Having Foster has brought me closer to my husband. i love seeing them together. Days are different now. When's nap time? When do we eat next? How am I going to get in laundry? Bath time? Who knew this would consume my daily life? I LOVE IT! Foster smiles and changes my whole name. He has given me perspective that all that matters is him health our family.

some days

our little boy is now rolling over. having full belly laughs. He smiles at me whenever he sees me. the amount of love that I have for him is overwhelming. i honestly think he's the reason i'm here. so i could be his mom. that in the long run little else matters but him. i'm in awe of him and the man rick is with him. 

This leeds me to really questioning my own dreams. I am doing so much better with ppd and being open about it has helped so much. This openness has made me question my reasons for decisions i have made in the past. Looking at my past I realize that I made decisions because I felt it was the next step. Not because it was not really what I want to do. I am really just now examining what my actual dreams are. Not what the expectation in my own mind thinks it should be. I want to make my dreams come true. I'm trying to figure out how to get there. 

sometimes

i love the line "sometimes the sunshine just gets lost in the rain".

let me say with this post that i love my child and couldn't imagine my life without him.
that said- having Foster has delivered the biggest changes in my life that I have ever encountered.

until i had foster i didn't really understand want depression was. i thought that depression affected others but not me. then i felt -what i thought was- baby blues and kept waiting on it to just go away. to return to my old pre baby self. upbeat- cheerful. ive had some good days but they have been scattered in with hopeless. then this hopelessness has been accompanied by guilt. that i am bringing unhappiness on others and that how could i feel like this? am I a bad mother?

so i have been trudging along in this haze of guilt and hopeless misunderstanding. i have come to find that i am not alone in this. 50% of women experience this. I believe that it is underreported because of women's shame that accompanies it.

i went to the doctor and talked things over with my husband and family. I am making my way back to the old-NEW me. i am thankful for the support around me and understanding i've received once i made the decision to talk about what I was feeling.

If I Didn't Have You - Thompson Square

i think women are completely different than men in the way they over think. nothing is face value.
certain comments stick and are on repeat in our heads. do men do this as well? i've been struggling with confidence issues. at 26 i STILL have confidence issues. i find admitting this demoralizing and frustrating. becoming a mom has changed so many things. my body. my perceptions. i don't know how to get that feeling back? that feeling of being worthy. worthy of being blessed. worthy of being foster's mom. my parents daughter. of being ricks wife. i think i'm not alone in this feeling. I am taking steps to get back to that feeling.

beginnings are scary
endings are usually sad
but its the middle that counts the most
try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning...
just give HOPE a chance to float up


and it won't post my song thompson square

Ben Howard

i think ben howard is big overseas but i just discovered him on the safe haven soundtrack. i like his original work but dig this cover. gives call me maybe a completely different edge.
so call me maybe.

I like it when you show that you care. thats all i ever need from you

Madness

you've been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked.
try approving of yourself and see what happens.
-louise hay


foster 2 months eats like a horse! no seriously he does. is wearing 6-9 month clothing smiles at me in the morning cries for 2 hours every night goes to bed at 1130 and -if we're lucky- sleeps until 5. makes so many noises trying to talk farts like a man has stolen mommy and daddy's hearts hair is auburn and eyes are blue

just give me a reason

Sometimes i get caught up in the negative and forget to look at the positive.
today I'm choosing to focus on the happy i had today

1. first waking up- changing my little guys diaper- and him grinning up at me.
i didn't realize that would be the best feeling i've ever encountered.
it is what i wake up looking forward to.
2. my husband holding my hand. i think that he will still hold my hand when we are old and grey. he's not romantic but if he can just keep holding my hand. makes me dream.
3. going for a run. feeling blessed that i can run. plus loving my new shoes.
4. pancakes- coffee- and diet coke. my favorite food groups.
5. getting caught up in a book- reading if i stay.
6. and right now holding our son. god i love him.
7. wonderful family
8. Dreaming about our new home that we're waiting to close on.

signs

i definitely believe in fate and reading signs a venture i took twice was placed with huge glaring roadblocks a push away from that direction- that it wasn't right i continue to struggle with things letting themselves take their course being patient with people and time thinking that things that are easy for me are easy for everyone else listen accept hurt and try again. this is on rerun

They're my everything

It's amazing that our wedding day was almost a year ago. Even more unbelievable is our love resulted in this beautiful person.

A Pep Talk from Kid President to You

i love this kid

i want to do this year (thanks le)
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to meditate.
6. Breathe
7. Read more books than you did in 2012.
8. Sit in silence for at l...east 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
11. Comparing our lives to others is fruitless. We have no idea what their journey is about.
12. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones especially about things out of our control. Invest energy in the positive present moment.
13. Try not to over do. Understand limits.
14. Why take ourselves so seriously. No one else does.
15. Gossip drains precious energy.
16. Dream more while we are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. We already have all we need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Let go of our partners mistakes of the past. Focus on our present/future happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Make peace with our past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of our happiness except us.
22. Realize that life is a school and we are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons we learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. We don’t have to win arguments. It’s ok to agree to disagree.
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is insignificant compared to what you think of yourself.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends & family will. Stay in touch.
32. Do the right thing!
33. Keep only things that are useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. Higher powers heal everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how we feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When we awake alive in the morning, be thankful.
39. Our Inner most is always happy. Release your “Inner Happy” on the world every day!

summer

i like this song but I really just want to jump into the video.
beautiful. summer is right around the corner and I can't wait!

rick and i are getting ready to close on our first home that we are buying together.
so excited to get to work.
to have a beer on our own deck.
to enjoy a coffee on a chilly morning overlooking our view.
to blast our massive speakers.
to call it our own.
the birts- rick devin foster susan

i am amazed at the difference i feel about my job now and maybe this is because i'm still off work.
i feel like its the back burner, because my real job is being a mommy.
i am multiple roles but being a nurse isn't the first or even second on the list anymore.
wife mother daughter sister friend nurse
i like it this way- it just means my life is full

~
i don't usually take any kind of political stance but i would like to share my viewpoint. right or wrong.
i'm having such a hard time with the gun control positions that are all over Facebook and listening to those that support the NRA and are in opposition of our president.
i listen to the views that are around me.
but i continually wonder when is it enough?
columbine wasn't enough. mall shootings weren't enough. arizona shootings weren't enough.
are the sandy hook shootings enough? is the death of our youth enough to ignite change?

I am not saying everything that the president is putting forth is what I feel is right.
I do feel we should have the right to bear arms but i think if I didn't support changes that if something were to happen in my own son's school I would be partially at fault.

i think change is needed. being in the healthcare field i frequently see the mentally ill.
mental health in clinton county is underfunded and understaffed. the process is broken. and it is broken everywhere.
sitting watching the inauguration and looking into the waste of our nations funds i can't help but think where those funds could be put to better use.  that our troops still being across the ocean is wrong. have them come home. put money in our children.

i guess my point is for all the critics is to give us a better plan. not one where our teachers are armed. creating a whole other set of problems and access. stop criticizing the attempts to protect and strive to help the mentally ill. help to make sure firearms are in the right hands and make attempts to keep them from the wrong ones.

happy living

looking in the mirror at my post baby body... hmmmm....words that come to mind? drab. jello. flat. It's not what I'm used to. I've always been fairly health conscious and a runner. 9 months of growing Foster seems to have changed my body. Part of me feels like its a badge of honor. As if saying, see what my body did? I am a part of an element that makes me a woman. I am now a mother. My body proves I am a mother. As a mother I want to feel strong again. I want to feel muscle and healthy. I am making a vow with myself that I will succeed and feel my body become strong over the next six months. (post doc go ahead). I want a body thats healthy and that is reflected when I look in the mirror. No more jello. I want to feel beautiful on the inside and outside. Wish me luck. (For the moment I am reveling in being a mother. holding my child is a gift that can never be compared to.)

Knowing Foster

Life altering. That is exactly what this month has been. I can, now, not imagine our lives without this person we created. He fills up our days. We are watching his every move, change, smile.
We are learning. Learning his cries. His noises. Watching him discover the world around him. This in itself is the most awe inspiring gift.

I love watching my husband interact with him. Watching the delight on his face when Foster follows his voice through the room. I find myself becoming teary at the most simple moments. I am savoring. Reminding myself that every moment is precious.
I know there are so many instances that I have trouble believing in God but this. This gift. This child could only be made by God. For that I thank him. He is perfect.

New Year

2013
I can not believe that the new year is here.
2012 was astounding in its changes for me.
A wife, a mother, a family.
So much LOVE.
This year I have a few goals. I want to participate in 3 runs.
5K, 10K, and half. I can't wait to get back to running.
It's so hard to wait the 6 weeks.
I'm adoring my hibernation with Foster and getting to know him.

My real goal is to be a better person this year.
I have difficulty not saying what I think out loud.
I usually say something then regret it.
I want to hold my tongue and be more thoughtful in my words.

Good luck to all this year.
Loving this life.