Hey

There are moments in every day that I think I suck.

I didn't put down my book to pay attention to the train for the 110 th time in an hour. I didn't have enough patience or I raised my voice in anger. I'm getting pretty great at forgiving myself and loving me a little more. I'm giving myself the grace I hope I give others. That it's okay. That tomorrow will go on. That the sun will rise and set. I am hugging my toddlers but not letting guilt overwhelm every moment. 

They take up my everyday and give me life. 

Acceptance

I don't know why today something caught me so off guard. I sometimes think of leaving all social media but there are so many connections that I stay like everyone else. I was flipping through the comments and came upon someone commenting how they are disgusted and boycotting target over transgenders being accepted into any bathroom they want. I think this to be no big deal and didn't think a thing about it. There are stals in the bathroom and the reality of the situation is you will have no idea if someone goes to do their business is transgender or not. The folks I have come in contact with I would never second guess their sexuality nor would i really have interest in it. There were other comments about they found this frightening for their children etc. I find this so very frustrating. I wonder if they are referring to the transgender population themselves. If this is the case I feel so much ignorance is in play. Just because someone is transgender does not make them a pedophile. I feel that in every aspect of our lives there is an opportunity for others to be in contact with our children. Someone who is not transgender and enters the bathroom is just as likely to be harmful to my child as anyone else. I do not understand why this has caused a firestorm. I didn't comment directly on Facebook because I do believe everyone has a right to their own opinion but I feel it's led with ignorance. I just come back to the fact every single time - what if this were your child? I do not think anyone would choose this the torn heart and turmoil a transgender goes through-it's who they are. 

I know I would do everything in my power to support my children. If loving the same sex makes them happy, great, both sexes - great- , the other sex - wonderful. If they identify as the opposite sex I will do everything I can to make sure they know I support them. The end result is this: raising happy, productive, gracious people. For me it's not about being male or female or who they choose to love; it's about them being good people that are happy. 

End result is I will walk my own path and you will walk yours.(as jack or Jane)  I can't change your steps but I do hope to make someone stop and think. 

Just a little

I haven't written in a while because, in all honesty, there are things that once said out loud can't be taken back. There are so many worries, inadequacies floating around in my head that putting them down on paper gives them even more significance. Even more relavence in my life. So many things that I "just didn't know" came along with being a momma and a wife . There's an unprecedented respect I now have gained for all parents that raised decent humans. 

I think falling into the chasm that is motherhood is so unbelievably daunting and hard. To loose your sense of self in the identity crisis that is parenthood. The person you once were you can never be again. These little people made you see your whole world in a different light. There is grief in that and light. I'm looking to strike the balance of finding myself amongst the chaos of toddlers, work, therapy sessions, chores, and life. I'm unsure if I even know how to do that. The guilt that is overwhelming when I take any time alone. To reclaim a feeling of confidence that I once embodied. (It left me around the same time I started pissing myself when I sneezed.)

For this moment I am in the thick of it...