This leeds me to really questioning my own dreams. I am doing so much better with ppd and being open about it has helped so much. This openness has made me question my reasons for decisions i have made in the past. Looking at my past I realize that I made decisions because I felt it was the next step. Not because it was not really what I want to do. I am really just now examining what my actual dreams are. Not what the expectation in my own mind thinks it should be. I want to make my dreams come true. I'm trying to figure out how to get there.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
some days
our little boy is now rolling over. having full belly laughs. He smiles at me whenever he sees me. the amount of love that I have for him is overwhelming. i honestly think he's the reason i'm here. so i could be his mom. that in the long run little else matters but him. i'm in awe of him and the man rick is with him.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
sometimes
i love the line "sometimes the sunshine just gets lost in the rain".
let me say with this post that i love my child and couldn't imagine my life without him.
that said- having Foster has delivered the biggest changes in my life that I have ever encountered.
until i had foster i didn't really understand want depression was. i thought that depression affected others but not me. then i felt -what i thought was- baby blues and kept waiting on it to just go away. to return to my old pre baby self. upbeat- cheerful. ive had some good days but they have been scattered in with hopeless. then this hopelessness has been accompanied by guilt. that i am bringing unhappiness on others and that how could i feel like this? am I a bad mother?
so i have been trudging along in this haze of guilt and hopeless misunderstanding. i have come to find that i am not alone in this. 50% of women experience this. I believe that it is underreported because of women's shame that accompanies it.
i went to the doctor and talked things over with my husband and family. I am making my way back to the old-NEW me. i am thankful for the support around me and understanding i've received once i made the decision to talk about what I was feeling.
let me say with this post that i love my child and couldn't imagine my life without him.
that said- having Foster has delivered the biggest changes in my life that I have ever encountered.
until i had foster i didn't really understand want depression was. i thought that depression affected others but not me. then i felt -what i thought was- baby blues and kept waiting on it to just go away. to return to my old pre baby self. upbeat- cheerful. ive had some good days but they have been scattered in with hopeless. then this hopelessness has been accompanied by guilt. that i am bringing unhappiness on others and that how could i feel like this? am I a bad mother?
so i have been trudging along in this haze of guilt and hopeless misunderstanding. i have come to find that i am not alone in this. 50% of women experience this. I believe that it is underreported because of women's shame that accompanies it.
i went to the doctor and talked things over with my husband and family. I am making my way back to the old-NEW me. i am thankful for the support around me and understanding i've received once i made the decision to talk about what I was feeling.
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