Heart Strings

Thursday December 13: Contractions started and were every 3-7 min. The first experience with this type of pain and it didn't stop. Friday December 14: Waiting until contractions became every 2 min apart and heading to the hospital. Then being sent home because (after 2 people trying to check my posterior cervix) I am only dilated to 1-2cm 80% effaced! Saturday December 15: DUE DATE Contractions every 2-7 minutes. Daddy and I paced all day. We have not slept at this point. Sunday December 16: Continued Contractions every 2-7 min. I am so uncomfortable and can barely breathe through the contractions. We decided to go to the hospital again. The contractions remained so severe. Pacing, pacing, pacing. Daddy rocking me. The ob triage RN says I am only 3cm and 80% effaced. I have not slept since Thursday now. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I am given pain meds which let me sleep for 3 hours and sent home with contractions continuing every 2-3 min. Monday December 17: At this point I have not slept and have labored in early labor since Thursday. I am at my wits end and can not see going another night with contractions every 2 minutes, back labor, no sleep, and distressed. I made the decision to call my physician and ask that if I am not at 4cm that I be admitted for induction. We agreed and we were on our way to MVH. My nurse upon seeing me immediately went to get pain meds. Kristin was wonderful! Missy the Midwife came in to access. I was 4-5cm dilated. Rick and I decided to go ahead for the epidural. I must say after having the epidural there is no other route! I labored throughout the night but with the epidural was finally able to get some rest. Our parents at the bedside. Pitocin was started at some point and I dilated to 9cm. At shift change of 730 I was told I was to "labor down" then we would hopefully be pushing. This is when my easy labor came crashing down. Around 930-10am the nurse midwife on call came in to check me. At this time little man was pushing against my 90% effaced cervix at 9cm. While she was checking me his heart tones dropped out and stayed there. I could see the concern and panic on the faces around me. I was placed on all fours, then on my left side, on my right side with no changes in little man's tones. I could hear them making phone calls and getting no response. I could hear Rick demanding to know what was going on and the panic on our mother's faces. My nurse then quickly made the decision to call a "CODE GREEN" or a baby in distress. I was trying not to panic and keep it together as my room flooded and they ran me out the door. We were on our way to the OR for an emergency c-section. The OR was so crowded and I could not find Ricks face. They had transferred me to a different bed and were redosing my epidural. The attendees face came into view and I was distraught telling him to get my baby out. At this point Rick was gowned/masked up to my left and they had me and little man hooked back up to the toco external monitor. His heartrate had dropped into the 40's but was currently recovered to be aproximately 110. The attendee explained that we needed to get him out quickly to avoid a c-section. Forceps were used which eventually led to a sulca tare that spewed blood in the doctor and residents faces. Later we found out the little man's head was compressing the cord. So at 1041am on 12-18-12 Foster Birt made his appearence into the world. 7 pounds 9 ounces, 21 1/2 inches long. His APGAR scores 9 and 9. He was so swollen and bruised but he was there. He was okay and I could breathe again. Suppress the terror and fear. That event was the most frightening experience of my life. I'm now holding him in my arms and I can't get enough... Rick and I keep looking at each other with awe in our eyes. This little bit of perfection we made. He is ours.

december

It's December. I keep looking for signs that you will make your appearance.
I feel you move and cherish it. Really look forward to holding you.
I walk into your room.
I look at your crib. I go through your clothes.
We have packed the hospital bag.
Your carrier sits in the car.
There are diapers piled high in the closet awaiting you.
I went and had my toenails done because I couldn't stand the thought of scudsy feet in the delivery room.
Your due date is this week. You have been growing 10 months in there.
I normally would go running if I was anxious or stressed but you growing in there makes that next to impossible. I've been walking, hoping, praying.
It's December now little man.
We are all very ready to meet you.
Come out and be loved.
We're trying to be patient.
We are waiting.

Comin' Home

Rick would say this is some of more depressing music but I love how it feels to put this on the pandora station and let it ride.

I've been up since 5am this morning post a very restless night of sleep. I think I've been having some braxton hicks. Back pain radiating to my stomach. I honestly don't know if it is but they said if it was real I would know. So  this morning my hands are swollen, slight kankles, back pain, crotch pain, and heartburn/indigestion. None of the pain is consistent and it is not overwhelming so I feel it most be normal. Frequent dreams last night. I think that I am so hopeful he'll come soon and anxious about it at the same time. Every time someone sees me they say, OMG you're so small! This makes me anxious because I want him healthy. The doctor is guessing right around 7 pounds so we are okay with that.
I didn't realize that once a child came along that our every thought is first and foremost revolving around him. I just feel like my mind is constantly preoccupied with thoughts of him. I just want him healthy and pray about this hope everyday. I love you little man Birt. You are measuring at 38 weeks. I am 37 weeks 4days.

36 weeks... I'll hold you soon

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "amen" wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams


Mommy wanted pictures little man... so daddy took a few pictures.
I hope you can see how much I love daddy in these pictures.

We love you so much.

close

I've been a sucker for this song. I love the video done by rascal flats but I think aaron...well it speaks for itself.

99 balloons

This gets me every time.
The grace that these parents have leaves me in awe.
A constant reminder to remain grateful.
No day can be taken for granted.

Every Storm

I came across this list of things that you should talk about with your spouse....

Some of them are for just us but I liked their meaning.

Question 1: List 5 things you would tell your 16 year old self and why?

1. High school is not your best anything and you will feel sorry for those that it is.
2. The opinions of those around you only mean something if you let them.
3. You are not odd and there is nothing wrong with you. You just don't like doing what everyone else is doing.
4. There is a man in your future that is worth the wait. Your patience will be worth everything.
5. I would tell me that dreams end and begin again. Dreams will come true and they are better than you thought they would be.

Josh Ritter - Folk Bloodbath

I want to know your past and I want to be your future.

Rick and I attended class this weekend. I am so happy that I found someone who I enjoy so much.

Having a lazy cuddle up susan day today. I'm imagining little man growing so much and getting ready to meet us. I'm so thrilled for my parents to come home.

Praying for my friends baby. That he will be just fine when he comes to meet us anytime now and that my friend is strong.

falling slowly

beautiful rainy friday

Atlantic City - The Band

Turn it up. You'll be happy you did.

31-32 weeks

 

Hi baby B! I am carrying you so low. I'm almost 32 weeks now. They say you're measuring a week ahead. Daddy talks to you B. I wonder if you know our voices? I am so hungry now. I am craving apple sauce and diet cherry coke. I find myself forgetting what I'm doing and becoming preoccupied with food! I have gained twenty pounds and have eight weeeks until 40! You move all the time now B. I have been putting music on my belly thinking you can hear it. Mumford and Sons new cd has been my favorite. You do belly waves when the music is on. Daddy has taken to calling you Gary- which I will save you from actually being named. We have a list and will decide when we meet you. All your grandparents are biting at the bit to meet you too! Not to mention your aunts, unlces, and cousins. They say you have hair which we are so excited to see.

Keep growing and we can't wait to meet you.

 

 

same love

i hope i can raise a child that sees this.
that isn't a biggot.
that isn't a racist.
and that sees love.
that love- where found- no matter what gender or race- is beautiful and should be embraced.

it's something that Obama has right.
that marriage is above all about love and all should have that right.
one specific definition of love and marriage shouldn't infringe on the rights of others.
it's all the same love.

going on 32 weeks. waiting to meet a love of my life. praying for him. hoping for him.

Marc Cohn - The Things We've Handed Down (Special)

This song makes me ache, makes me cry, and makes me dream.


Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But we could only go so far

Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can

Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl

Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade

And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed

By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Ella Henderson's performance - Cher's Believe - The X Factor UK 2012

I am that girl that belts out songs like this by myself.
I do not sound anything like her.
Amazing. Whole different feeling to the song. PERFECT


Fair last night!?! first time in 4-5 years. Nostalgia and people watching galore.
So glad I was able to share with Rick.
Too bad his fair was better:( Damn Darke County.

Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 with lyrics

I think that sometimes a roadblock or a change can make you realize how happy you are without something. I have not been this happy in months. I think I just feel lighter with appreciation for savoring the now. To evaluate where I am and where I want to be. Relaxing on this sunday morning. Just blissful.


Yesterday I turned 26. It was one of the best birthdays I've had. A year really does make all the difference. I'm married this birthday. I am a wife. That in itself blows my mind. I think I may actually be a pretty great wife. I believe the relationship I have with my husband is beyond anything I've experienced. He really is my best friend and knowing he is there means everything. I am getting ready to be a mother. These facts astound me and make me believe fate knows what she's doing.
 Rick and I were able to see little man yesterday. (And no we will not be referring to him as gary). It turns out a 3D ultrasound is amazing. I could see his little face in a scowl for waking him up. He was beautiful. Little lips and ears. I can't say I love everything about being pregnant but I can tell you the love I have for him. It is so overwhelming. Consuming. Beautiful. 28 weeks this week. Third Trimester. Countdown to meet him.

don't hold back

This week has been challenging to say the least but the only thing I can control now is my reaction.
I have been so impressed with those around me and their love.
I can not believe how supported and wonderful that feels.
So I guess the whole damn bad situation has just left me feeling utterly thankful.
And maybe that was just the point?
Maybe god is putting this roadblock up to result in more time with little man. I don't know but I can't wait to find out. And Rick and Mom....Thank you

HApPY

Made my morning

ccr

Feeling some CCR this morning. Wonderful

I will wait

 

Words

anxious

excited

stressed

worried

happy

 

 

Sometimes when you write what you're worried about it gives it validity. I don't want that.

 Tomorrow Rick and I have our first tour and baby class....I'm so excited to share this with him.



 

Nothing But The Water

I heard this song on a promo and it stuck with me all day. I had to share.



http://brittanygphotography.com/blog/?p=1597

I love the idea this photographer had for their little man's big day.

Thompson Square - Glass

very hectic week... will be glad when I can relax.

Sunshine

Hello Little man birt. August 2 2012.... this is the day daddy and I were able to see your face. Slightly obscured by the ultrasound, but still your face. We heard the temptations on pandora this morning. Daddy and I were humming it all day. We went to have the ultrasound and a pretty blond named Michelle took us back to the room. I was so apprehensive. I wanted to see you healthy Baby B. I was so nervous and a bundle of nerves. As usual daddy looked cool as a cucumber. He pulled up his chair and set it right in front of the big screen. gluing his eyes on you- our little boy. Then she started... you're heart, your spine, kidneys, bladder, 10 toes, 10 fingers, your lips, they all looked healthy and perfect. I think you look pretty darn cute in your pictures. Then you did the coolest thing... it appeared that you waved! Saying "Hi mom and dad"! You then took your little hand and placed it behind your head. It looked like you were lounging in a hammock.I cried and was so overwhelmed laying on that table. Such happiness. I love you so much baby b. We are in awe that we made you. It is so beautiful. Keep growing healthy little guy and we'll meet you soon enough:)You are our sunshine. August 2 2012... 1 pound and in the 59 percentile! We'll take that. Keep kicking me little man- I love it.

admiration

I started watching the olympics last night and I couldn't help but think of their dedication. I think these stories are the ultimate fairy tale stories of hard work and grace. That said it got me to thinking of who I admire. I must say that one of the things I admire in my husband is his love for his work. He is not one of those paramedic firefighters that rides around with their lights on their car or something flashing what he does. He is not about that and never will be. But I have seen my husband do what he does. He gets up in the middle of the night and puts in way too many hours. He gives. I have listened on the radio while he has pulled someone from a vehicle or has been the first into a fire. He is calm at these times like no one else I have seen. When the situation becomes serious he is even calmer. I watch his eyes now and see where he really is but I don't think anyone else notices. I have switched off CPR with him and can't help but admire and respect him. I know I am biased because I love him more than anything for so many reasons but I know that he is a quiet hero. I can't lie, there have been a few times where his job has frightened me. When he doesn't come home and I know there is a fire. I wait anxiously. I pray when that happens. I think he would be mad at me for posting this but he'll get over it. I am proud of him. I admire him.I adore him.

smile

I'm making rick go see this with me:)

Baby boy is moving so much now. I am relishing in each kick, loving him more everyday. My belly is getting even bigger. You know that feeling when you have eaten too much and you feel like your stomach will explode? That is what my belly feels like all the time now. Pulled just a little too tight and then little man kicks it and I think "grow baby grow". Now if only we can agree on a name!
Rick and I are off to Nashvegas this weekend for a little get away. Cramming in life today so I can really live it tomorrow.

Wanted

Well hello baby!
I'm feeling you all the time now. Ecspecially after I eat and in mornings/evenings. You move around with little "nudges" inside me. But yesterday Daddy got to feel you move! It was one of the coolest times we've ever had. Feeling a little someone we made. I keep praying so hard that your little body is growing well. We get to have an anatomy ultrasound on August 2. Just 2 1/2 weeks away. I can't wait to see you and figure out if we'll have a jolynn or a wilder? So praying baby birt. 
Lemonade now! I've always hated lemonade and now I want lemonade! Bizarre. Plus you are making me tired all the time. I can put my head down on the pillow and I'll fall asleep for hours in the middle of the day... you're zapping my crack energy. I love you baby b.

and i just like this song.

Cry

I sit here and cry for a friend's child. It's something I don't understand. Like father Ted said "this was not god's plan" " taking a child too soon I want to reach out and comfort but for this I dont know if there is comfort. I hope for peace for this family and for them to be able to put one foot in front of the other. I hope for solace

Stubborn Love

Its so hard to once have been in tune with someone else to realize it has changed.
I don't think you can come back to what once was. times change. people change. grow. become someone new. Life does not allow a person to be stagnant.
It is painful to realize that the person you once knew is isn't really there anymore.
I can let go and remember them for who they were in my memory.

The Lumineers - Ho Hey (Official Video)

Makes me want to turn it up and lay between our speakers tapping my foot.

....Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right. We do not need an intelligent mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens. ......

timing

timing is everything.
hearing only part of a conversation.
feeling your heart jump into your throat.
jumping to the wrong conclusion.
to know only part of a story.

place your trust in those that deserve it.
believe with your heart.
answer the hard questions. for yourself.
and believe in good.
go the distance.

Ed Sheeran - "Give Me Love"

Monday morning rain.
Listing to Ed Sheeran station.
Susan sleeping on my lap.
Baby birt inside.
A good book waiting to be read.
Decaf coffee in hand.
Life is more than good. Life is beautiful.

flutter

I walk in the door.... "hi sweets" i smile because i can never not smile at him. he makes me laugh. makes my heart swell. i through my arms around him and kiss his lips. i love this man. i upset him last week i think. as a nurse i have access to an ultrasound with many willing friends and i wanting to see baby birt i love this. watching it swim, bounce, move. its heart flutter. its an addictive thing to watch life grow. its affirming that there is a god. i just didnt really think about rick. and i am sorry for this. but rick got to see our baby this week. his eyes were fixated on the screen. watching its heart flutter. watching baby do flips in my tummy. i love that we made a baby together. that he is just as happy about it as i am. that his hearts on his sleeve and he can't wait to meet our child. having him as my baby's father is a gift.

oooo baby

Baby Birt, I'm sitting here looking at my tummy. Not so flat like I like it anymore. I have a "pooch". A ever rounding tummy. You are almost 13 weeks inside. I am hungry for tomatoes all the time. I want spaghetti, tomato soup,tomato sandwiches. Daddy can vouch for me. I can't get enough. I'm dreaming all the time now. Strong, sometimes vividly unpleasent dreams. I am so very tired. I am told that this will get better. I'm nauseated and waking up with headaches. Each time I have pains run across my stomach I wonder if everything is alright. I clutch you inside of me a little tighter. Because you- baby- are wanted so much. I wish to myself that there were a manual that told me what pains were ok and which aren't. I dream about what you will look like...Will you have daddys eyes? I love Daddy's eyes. I fell in love with them. I really love your daddy. He makes my heart glow. Will you have my red hair? I really hope you're not like me. I wish for you a sunny laid back personality. I'm really high strung- daddy says I'm on crack. Will you have hands like my mothers and a nose like my grandmother? I just want you- healthy- little person. I am so excited to feel you move inside of me... I'm trying to wait patiently. I already think you're beautiful and can't wait to touch your face, see your smile. Know this baby. You will be so loved. Everyone is so excited to meet you. It is only June and we have to wait until December. I had no idea waiting would be so hard. So grow grow grow baby birt. If you're a girl we are thinking Jolynn. My grandpa's names Jo and daddy really likes jolynn. If you're a boy maybe Wilder? We will have to wait and see. Love always, Mommy

Eli Young Band

Full. My life is so full. I think this is the most excited I have been about life and as happy. I am so ancy to see this year unfold. Praying for health. For grandpa. For baby. Enjoying every minute.

"Do It Now" - Human Again

no complaining. savoring. because this is living.

Patience

The fireworks aren't ending.
I feel all lit up.
Turning this up -feeling happy.
Praying and smiling.

need

sm

days like these. o days like these.

faith when i fall

i'm looking around right now and thinking things are right.
have you ever looked at someone and felt your heart fill up?
that you feet so much...that you think its almost too much.
i can't help but feel so much love. they tell me that I'll feel
even more when we have a child. i wonder if my heart
can expand even more? i'm so glad i waited on him.

this week i had a conversation with a very good friend of mine.
i'm having a hard time wrapping myself around it.
i love her and would do anything for her but she has been distant for multiple
reasons so when she wanted to talk i didn't want to criticize her choices.
though i feel her choices are very wrong. morally and emotionally for her.
she puts herself in very poor situations with the wrong men. men that can
not be what she needs of them. how to convey this without being critical?
i'm struggling with this.

fall into you

a day to wrap up. open when i'm sad.
i had one of those.
i looked into his eyes and saw my heart.
i want to treasure it and him.
so blessed that those i love surrounded us.
perfect day

Parachute - Forever and Always

i love you and can't wait to call you my husband.
in the good, bad, and the ugly.
happy sad and whatever.
forever and always.

Safe & Sound (The Hunger Games: Songs From District 12 An...

i have been so emotional this week.
ridiculously so.
plagued by my own self doubt.
i don't feel good enough.
i know this is not an attractive statement.
or an actual reality.
i just want to feel worthy.
how do i get there?
upset with my own faults I want to change.

Lucky Jason Mraz ft Colbie Caillat Lyrics

I am so excited.
I can't seem to keep it in.
I really am marrying my best friend.
I get to see my family all together again.
I am thrilled.

Eli young band - Everything is you, with lyrics

Miley Cyrus featuring Johnzo West - "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When ...

Kate nash - Nicest Thing Lyrics

I'm so glad you gave it a go.
I know i'm slightly unhinged at times.
you're still here.
you hold me when i'm upset.
you know what i say is not what i mean.
you are my nicest thing.


“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star...

ee cummings

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up (Official Lyric Video)

Jason mraz makes me feel like flying.


I know that you must walk in anthers shoes to see their perspective.
this is so hard for me. at times the answer seems so damn obvious to me.
why can't others see it?
why would you hurt someone you say you love so much?
a few friends of mine have gone through difficult times caused by others this year. the difficult ultimate hurt.
I don't know if I could come back from that.
I feel like Rick is my best friend. my love. my confidant. My everything.
Hurt caused by him is more than by anyone else because his opinion- feelings mean the most.
My question is; once trust, built so carefully, is broken can you come back from that?
Can life make sense and can hurts be healed? Can the scars of the hurt be covered with love?
I don't know this answer. I have held my friends as they have cried.( Believe me I have been the one being held too.)
I am unsure of these answers. Does time heal?
Can you put aside the anger, hurt, rage, tears caused by the person that you trusted and loved more than any other and walk on.
I don't truly know.
This is an answer i could not answer for either of my friends.
It hurts me to see their tears.
senseless.

and i'm thinking that the little things mean so much.