Moments.

Saturday. One of those moments where your stomach gets queasy and your heart drops to the floor. You reach for the wall to hold you up. I know that in so many ways we should be accustomed to dying but death never comes easy. In an instant someone you know becomes someone you knew. 

Death this time hit close to home and it's not easy. A man who should be there to walk his daughters down the aisle is going to watch from heaven. I should be seeing him today with his easy smile and wishing him a merry Christmas. 

So today I hold my babies a little tighter and hold my husband as we fall asleep. I don't want to take this life for granted. 

Today I remember a man and a life well lived with grace, goodness, and a smile. 

Mealtime

Cinnamon for days 

I frequently wonder if I am the only mother who feels this way. Consumed with guilt for wanting to have a day to myself each week, then upon taking the day I can't help but wonder on the status of my Terrors. "Are they missing me? They need me- I'm sure. I better get home as quickly as possible!" 

Then being home every waking moment- building so many castles- saying no too many times to count- being too harsh- coloring and singing childrens songs- I am clawing to get out the door. 

My husband said it best. It is much easier to be an evenings and weekend parent than the 24/7 parent. How true he is.

Sitting at iHop I wonder when we will be able to enjoy a meal out again... Foster has his hands all over the syrup and is attempting to dump the salt pepper shakers all over the table. His sticky hands are covered with salt which he is now licking. Reece is standing in her high chair reaching for me with tears pouring down her face. We are late on nap time. I am stuffing my face as quickly as humanly possible to be able eat. Ricks asking for the bill. Looking over at foster dumping the apple juice. I realize we have lost Reeces shoe amoungst the chaos. 

Toddlerhood is HARD. Parenting is harder. 

Rick carries Reece to the car. Foster has boogers running across his cheek. I sop up the apple juice. Grab my snot infested child who is kicking upon my hip to the car. Wrangle him into the car seat wiping his boogies all down my sleeve. He apologizes- screaming "sorry mommy". I smile at my baby because he is just that-a baby. I take a deep breath of air -of patience. Praying we will make it threw these years. For every rough patch there is a good patch. This is the bullshit i tell myself daily. 

So mommas and parents out there- God bless you- because it is so hard. 

Foster

Foster- 

you turn 3 next month. You can not imagine the turmoil you have put our hearts through over the past 3 years. In the scheme of things I guess it isn't as big as it is in momma's endless stream of worries. 

You didn't talk Foster and do you know doctors freak out a little when you don't jabber? They do. Big time.

 But someone told me once that I didn't want an ordinary child- I wanted extraordinary. I got that in you baby. You started talking at 30 months. Post streams of therapy sessions and compression work outs. Small words but we were encouraged. Then you wouldn't shut up. Do you know what it felt like the first time you yelled "momma"! It left me tearful. Speechless. See you have some sensory issues Foster but we could really care less about those. We see extraordinary YOU. You love so damn hard my boy. Wearing your heart on your sleeve. See -you came into our world terrifyingly. Not slow and steady- but with a big scary hold our breath a little too long- near syncope- then a holy shit bang- you are the epitome of love. I relive that tearful moment As I looked into your bruised face and then looked up into your daddy's tear stained cheeks. A moment that made us parents. Now we have you- a boy with a smile that lights up every corner of a room. I can't wait to see where you take this world ,Foster, because wherever it is, it will be done with an exuberance of twelve souls. 

grow

If you hear people of my past speak of me. Keep in mind they are speaking of a person that they don't even know anymore


This last year has meant so much growth. I think it's so hard now to separate the mother, the wife, the daughter, the nurse. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I like to think that I am more accepting. I have learned that every surface emotion is something else. That a simple text, note, phone call has more meaning in this world than any gift. That a hug pulls on my heart and being kind is the most important part of self we can teach our babies.


Introvert- I think that this has such a negative feeling attached to it. that an introvert is wrong somehow. The real honest truth of this matter is I am exactly where I want to be with the people I want to be with. I never want my children to question that their father and their happiness is my number one. I am getting better at saying no and being okay with that. That caring for others feelings does not negate disregarding my own.

say summer

Whoa- Whoa.

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. You get the point. I've been busy. Life has been busy.

It has been good. Overall. Wonderfully. Reece learned to walk. Can you believe it? 10.5 months and she was sumo walking around like a champ. She is so adamant. I love that about her.

Then Foster. HE STARTED TALKING. Oh how we have prayed for this and are so overwhelmingly thankful. "Squeeze mommy"

You have no idea what it is to hear his voice yell "MOMMY" when I walk in the door. I am amazed by him because he is so smart. So perceptive and attentive. Every day includes multiple new words. Overjoyed does not begin to cover it.


Then there is me. Constantly swimming. Hoping not to screw it all up (did I mention I am making attempt not to cuss- Foster is mimicking). I started a new ER and am praying about it that it is the right move. Each day is something new and I'm trying to adapt.

So super mom is out. Making it is in. Being Happy is the goal.

well crap. just crap.

Why do some days seem to revolve around crap?

The kids seem to crap in unison. At the most inopportune times.

Today, as usual, started out early. 520 early, on the day off. Thank you Miss Reece. It started with poo. Yet again, thank you Miss Reece.

I haven't been sleeping very well. A result of my two kiddos being sick and the fact the I over think everything. In turn I was really looking forward to a nice luxurious- revamp my mind and soul- nap. (Oh and to get rid of the left eye, minimal sleep eye droop) Ohhhhh the best laid plans.
I am also ready to wash my hair- day 3 of hair and its starting to get a crazed oily look that at 520 I thought I could disguise and at noon realizing I shouldn't have. I think I may just be able to smell my hair coming.

Foster and I have made great time and get home from therapy. Foster did well- so what if he hit Miss Allison? She was being very demanding anyway. I am congratulating myself as a parent. I think I walked out of therapy preening- greasy hair and all.


I pull in the garage breathing a sweet sigh of relief. HOME. Now to get these kids fed and down for a nap. I am EXCITED. please don't judge me for this… I need a nap.

I walk in the door with the now screaming, crying, overtired FosterB. MUST FEED HIM. But what you ask is that I smell? Ummmm- what is that smell????? I see Reece and see that Grandpa appears a little frazzled. Oh no. It is not the odor of Reece. It is far worse. Grandpa has clogged the toilet.

I quickly attempt to get them out the door as Grandpa murmurs his apologies. Surely I can unclog the toilet. Got this. CHeck Check. I can so fit this in and still get my nap from the gods in.

Reece down. Foster down. Go to tackle the shit.

I get the gloves out. Plastic bag. Lysol spray. Hanger. Plunger and hope for the best. I think God didn't like me today. I see poop- lots of poop. It is a part of my job. This poo is quite unbelievable. I can see what he ate for dinner last week. And maybe last month. I am plunging away. Holding my breath. Reassuring myself that I am making headway. I will prevail. Mid plunge I hear that Foster has slept for maybe a total of 15 minutes and is slamming a nice little drumbeat along his walls. Oh good lord. Why???? AS i am slightly distracted my the preoccupation of my mind- how will i get that devil back to sleep…. the plunger suddenly goes askew. Poo splashes out. I am trying to dodge left. I should have dodged right because there is now unidentified poop particles in my hair. I think I see a carrot on my sock.


After thoroughly cleaning and scrubbing the floor -with the strongest cleaner known to man- I give into a great big cry. Decided it was now 2pm and I would forgo lunch post that horrid experience. Decide to take that much needed shower and let Foster continue his symphony of drum beats along the wall.

There was no nap today. Just loads of crap.

one of those days

The day you feel like you could teach a class on "how to fail as a mother" day.

That would be today.

Always with the best of intentions but still a shitastic day.

Started out a-ok. I planned on getting us out of the house by going to the local egg hunt- easy enough- right? RIGHT….


So I go because it says it starts at 9am. I am ready. Pack the kids' things. 2 coats, gloves, hats, an extra bottle for reece, the carrier, the gum (foster man concentrates better with it), the stroller, let the dog out one last time. Did i mention it is 20 degrees? That can't keep us in- we have been hibernating too long. Both kids fed and bundled. Heading out the door. Reece pukes down her outfit smiling. Quickly return inside for a change up. Okay lets try again. Out the door. 3 min down the road and husband texts that we got the wrong time. It starts at 1045. Well damn it. Kids already in the car. Decide to stop at Krogers because there have been a few things I have been meaning to pick up. As we are in that large- I can't drive it- car on the end cart- foster is bending over outside of the cart, head trailing on the floor still strapped in checking everyone out upside down. I decide to ignore this as I am trying to make a quick trip-exit out of the store. Pick your battles right? Get to check out. Only one aisle is open. It's okay. We've got this. Reece starts yelling to be out of the cart. Ok still good.
Getting out of the cart I back into a large movie display. Knocking it over. Still holding Reece. Checking Foster. I pick up the display. All over middle aisle. Try to get back in line. Krogers employee says he will take me in the next check out. Oh thank god. God bless you man. Get the forsaken cart into the next line without hitting anything over. Putting things on the belt with Reece in my arms. Simultaneously see Foster taking every candy bar off the bottom rack and into his beep beep car. Lord. Okay get him past the candy bars. Pick up candy bars. PLace accordingly. Whew. Okay done at Krogers. Out the door. Only burned 20 minutes. Damn damn damn. Go around trying to pluck up the courage to go into another store. Can't do it. Decide to text a friend. No answer. again damn it. No one to stop and bother. Ok lets make it back to this library-effin- egg - hunt adventure. I can do this - I am super mom.
As i get closer I quickly recognize I can't park anywhere remotely close to the library. Ok park at church- hope I don't get towed. Pack both babies in. Reece in ergo. Foster in the stroller. realize that I can't get the strap on the stroller done. It is stuck. Stuff Foster in the stroller. He refuses to wear his gloves. Fine. Reece strapped on and we are off.






Get into library. I look around the packed surroundings and try to navigate the stroller and myself between the masses. Foster is a butterball in the stroller. Unable to make any big movements. Thank goodness. I look around jealously eyeing the children that are calmly walking with their parents and moving on. Oh well- quickly get over that morose feeling because there is no point in it. Try to avoid the gawkers of redheads and touching of strangers. Realize Foster is falling out of the stroller as he is not actually strapped in. The coat riding up his neck and choking him. Great- time to get out of the library. Too much stimulation. Too much going on. Foster does not appear to be taking it well and I do not have enough hands. Quickly navigating the crowd back out to the sub zero frigid temperatures of the arctic. A hundred children in a cluster fuck of eggs. See the fire truck. Daddy is on the fire truck. Great. Foster will love this. Wait in line. Look back down to Foster again pouring himself out of the stroller. On a hill- attempting to get him back in by myself- this is a losing battle. Multiple cuss words overflowing into the void of my mind that thought this was a great idea- that person was a lunitic. Thank you nice man for putting him back. Continue to wait in line. There's daddy Foster. Almost there. Announcement from traitor of a father that there is a run and they must leave. Look down sadly at foster and realize his hands appear to be freezing. Decide it is time to abort mission.


Aborting quickly back to vehicle. Get there and oh fuck me- I lost the damn keys. Foster has proceeded to start screaming as his hands appears to be that lovely cyanotic purple. I think reece just starts screaming to join in. I am down on my hands and knee with a baby on my chest looking for keys. 5 minutes of screaming and foster can't catch his breath. He appears that he may puke. He is looking at his blue fingers- probably in astonishment that he can not feel them at this point. Oh thank god there are the keys. Tucked tightly into the front of the ergo. Yes- I remember now- that IS where I placed them. Ok Get Reece out of the ergo to the carseat.



Annnnnnnndddddd you have got to be kidding me. There has been an explosion. There is poop everywhere. Down her lovely back out the top of the diaper. It must of happened when I was on the ground. Now what ?!?? How to best tackle this? Attempt to get screaming- choking- gagging Foster into into his carseat without any poop contact. That accomplished - I.must.tackle. poop. Why me?



I am now finally home. Fed the grumpy children and am letting them rot their brains for 15 minutes watching peppa pig. I deserve a minute. I am done with my attempts at super mom- fuck you super moms. There was no egg hunt and I sit in my unaccomplished state. The egg hunt was an adventure- just not the one I had hoped for. FYI- I think foster will keep all his fingers- just barely- evidenced by the amount of screaming that happened today.

I Belong To You

I may be a little obsessed with this album and it's lyrics. I listen and can feel it over and over again.

FOCUS

I can not believe I have not posted since October. I had no idea the challenge going from 1 to 2 would be. There are so many things that have changed since Reece entered our lives. All at the same time it feels as if she has always been here. She is so vibrant. Her name means verve for life and it nails her. I am consumed watching her grow into her personality and seeing it develop. I really am excited because I am just in love with who my two children are. Foster is a little peculiar. I never wanted ordinary and we definitely did not receive ordinary with Foster. He is extraordinary. I can watch his every emotion register across his face. My favorite is love and glee. We are still waiting for him to talk to us and I am trying to be so patient but I want to hear what his heart has to say. The past months continually challenge me to put what is important in my life into focus. I constantly realize that work is just that. work. it is not the north pole that my life revolves around. My family is the everything. I am trying to minimize the "things" in my life and maximize the "life" in my life. I want to look back and see the experiences that I had with my husband and our babies more than anything else. So I guess the word that defines the last 6 months is focus. Because when I loose focus I loose what is important. The FOCUS in my life is my husband. Our Children. And Growth. Not comparisons to others. Not to what the "normal" for every little thing is- but the happiness and normal of our lives. The fact that we are happy by the little things. Giggling at my husband as we lay in bed talking. My son holding my face and kissing my lips. The glee the babies show on their faces when I walk in from work. Reece learning to sit up and smile. These are the important parts of my life. The joy I have from sitting down having a cup of coffee and reading a book. This is my focus. The good is my focus.